The heartache will always be there…

By Jo Dunbar

When her beloved husband died from lung cancer in March 2017 Nicola Bond faced life as a grieving widow. Here she tells High Life North about how attitudes to grief need to change and why a passion for writing has helped her in the toughest of times.

Nicola Bond was thrust into widowhood aged 39 when her husband Paul died from lung cancer in 2017, despite never having smoked. Facing a situation many of us don’t experience until much later in life, Nicola struggled to find a path to navigate her bereavement. Nicola found putting her thoughts down in written form helped her to deal with her emotions. Today she has a blog: Reluctant Widow and it’s her aim to help others experiencing grief like hers. Nicola lives in Washington with her son.

Have you found people don’t know how to approach your grief?

It’s been over three years since Paul died and people tend to avoid the subject because they think I have finished grieving or at least I’m over the worst of it but actually, the repercussions are ongoing, and I won’t ever be over it. People often think they understand because most of us have experienced loss but losing your spouse is world-altering, that person was supposed to be beside you for the rest of your life – or at least until you were much older. You weren’t expecting that death would happen while your children were still growing up. The worst thing is the effect it will have on my son’s life. Paul idolised him and took him everywhere, even when he was a baby. He took him to the match when he was eight months old! Paul was an amazing dad, he did everything with him: he taught him how to ride a bike, tie his shoelaces, throw darts, play cricket – everything.

How did your Reluctant Widow blog come about?

My friend Joanne is always trying to find ways to help me and give me something to focus on and she suggested I give it a try. When I wrote my first post two years ago it was so scary. Even now I worry about posting such personal feelings and memories and how it will be perceived. When I started the blog, I got so much support and there were so many people commenting who were in my situation which is really what I wanted. I was relieved that people would say, “I know how you feel” – that really helped me.

Did writing have an immediate effect on you?

I felt empowered by doing it. I didn’t have to wait for anyone’s permission to open up or explain how I felt; I could just do it when I wanted to. I could explain “this has happened” or “this is how I feel today” and it was on my terms. I got into a flow of writing when I felt like it, but I’ve also tried to post when I’m having a good day, too. I want to include positive things so it’s not just a depressing read. Everything that happened when Paul died was so intense and now that things have settled down, I have flashbacks of things that happened. I felt that if I wrote it down, it wouldn’t be buzzing in my head anymore. It has been very therapeutic.

Did lockdown amplify things for you?

Lockdown highlighted what my family now is. We locked down about a week before the anniversary of Paul’s death and his birthday is two days after that. I planned to do certain things to distract us and do something positive and it all just went out of the window. My friends and family are really supportive and always come over and make sure I’m not lonely. But it felt like lockdown locked everyone up in their perfect families at home and left us. My son and I have had some lovely quality time together but our house has also felt empty and quiet.

Can you look at the future?

It’s hard to get the balance between the past and the future. I need to keep Paul in my life, but I also need to move forward. Some days I feel like I could never leave our house and then other days I feel like it’s really unhealthy for us to stay. I still haven’t quite figured out which part I need to hold onto and which parts I need to let go of. There is a lot of loss: my marital status, my family, my career and my home life have all changed. It’s a lot to deal with. Everything that I thought the future was is now not there, so I am rebuilding my life.

Read Nicola’s blog, The Reluctant Widow, here.