Sian Confidential: I am sick of doing EVERYTHING for my partner
I’m fed up to the back teeth of cleaning up after my partner. I’m actually feeling the most despondent regarding our sex life - he has never been on top!
I’m fed up to the back teeth of cleaning up after my partner. I have to phone the doctor for him, I do his laundry and make all of the meals. If I’m doing all of this now, what’s going to happen when we move in together?! I spend five days a week at his as he has a lovely house and I have a tiny dark flat with no garden. I feel like I have slowly slipped into this role over a number of years. I make the meals, he askes me to decide what to have, then leaves his plate on the table or the floor. He has a cleaner so when he leaves things lying around like socks, pants and towels, he tells me “it’s OK the cleaner will pick them up.” I’m actually feeling the most despondent regarding our sex life. He has never been on top! When we first got together, he would roll me on top and I didn’t say anything, but it’s every single time. I did say something on the occasion where he put his hands behind his head. I couldn’t decide if I felt like a prostitute or a jockey – (my friends think this bit is funny)! He’s good at taking the rubbish out. We get on really well as he’s pretty laid back, he listens to me and is the voice of reason in lots of ways. However, I feel like putting a rocket up his bum sometimes and feel guilty about thinking he’s a bit weak.
I hear your frustration. You sound like a person who can’t tolerate mess and he sounds messy. He also sounds laid back to the point of laziness. Unfortunately, your behaviour has contributed to the situation. You have decided to run around after him like his mother. He survived before you met him. He will do things that are necessary for himself, like calling the doctors, if things get bad enough or you allow him space to do so. When you nag someone you are saying “I will not do anything about your bad behaviour except moan about it”, so naturally they will keep doing it. Besides, it’s his house. Stop picking up after him. When you get your joint home, you could try one of my assertiveness training exercises which would be taking all his “crap” including plates and underwear and putting it in the bottom of his wardrobe. This will hopefully be so uncomfortable he may think twice about not leaving stuff around.
I suggest you sit down and explain how you would like to run your joint household and gain his agreement. For now, learn to accept then tolerate the way he lives in his house, unfortunately, you are still a guest (unless you contribute to any bills).
The bedroom situation can be tricky. Always discuss bedroom issues outside of the bedroom. The jockey image you conjured did make me laugh. Who initiates sex? More you, him or equal? I would ask him when you are both relaxed “why you can’t do any other position”? There may be a very important reason for him which may be overcome with your understanding. However, he might just be demonstrating bone idleness, in which case tell him straight that you are fed up and would like to try something different. Remember, people won’t change if you keep behaving in the same way around them.
About Peaceful Minds
Sian is a cognitive behaviour therapist and also a clinical hypnotherapist, having trained at Goldsmiths College, University of London and the College of Clinical Hypnosis. Four years ago Sian relocated her Harley Street practice to her native North East after 26 years in central London. Sian now runs her private clinic in Gosforth and also owns a training academy to help organisations with stress reduction. Sian’s approach is to help people become their own therapists, whether they come to see her for panic attacks, depression or OCD (she covers a wide range of emotional and behavioural issues).