Play Hard

Tinder openers to make you cringe

We’ve never been more reliant on online dating than now, but that doesn’t mean we’ll forgive a trashy conversation starter. Work on your openers, people

Written by High Life North
Published 26.01.2021

Compiled by Faith Richardson

“I’m a lecturer, and I hadn’t replied to someone for 24 hours, so they just sent me a follow-up message saying: ‘I see you lecture in silence.’”

“One guy literally started the convo with: ‘What would be the first thing you thought if we woke up together? ;)’. He had a cute dog in his photos, so I thought I’d try and be funny and replied with: ‘I wonder if he’ll let me play with his dog’. He never replied. Apparently, humour isn’t meant for Tinder.”

“A man once used a cheese-related pun as an opening line. I thought it was quite cute, so I replied with another one back to him. He then only spoke to me in sentences that had cheese-related puns in for the next 30 minutes. I unfollowed him pretty quickly – how do you continue a conversation from: ‘what do you fondue for a job?!’”

“Their first ever message was a rollercoaster: ‘You seem like a deliciously colourful character. If by ‘museums’ you mean Beamish, then we’re singing from the same hymn sheet. Fancy a ride in a tram?!’ It was a lot to process for a first message.”

“I got one in January that said: ‘Are you a New year’s resolution? Because I plan on doing you for the first few weeks of January and then forgetting about you until the end of 2021.”

“This one was actually quite funny, he said: ‘My favourite Pokèmon is Tangela. Because it’s like an Angela that you catch on Tinder.’”

“One man opened by saying to me “You’re so pretty! How did we match?” I replied: “I like ugly men.” It was just a joke but I never heard from him again. Awks.

 

When they manage to get past the openers…and it’s still a disaster

 

1. The catfish with high expectations

“Not only was the guy I met up with not the person in his pictures, he told me I looked different from what he expected and offered me petrol money to leave.”

2. The wannabe Mr. Grey

“He took me to see 50 Shades of Grey, and in the middle of one of the sex scenes, he proceeded to ask in a loud voice if I would let him do the same things to me. I could not get out of there fast enough!”

3. The future that was already planned out

“The whole date he kept putting his hand over mine and cutting me off to say, ‘You’re so pretty!’ He asked me to stand and turn for him and told me to not talk politics. When I asked what his plans were for the rest of the week, he said he’d be introducing me to his family, and maybe looking for a place to live together. I dodged the goodnight kiss and got very emotional texts from him for weeks after.”

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