Sian Confidential: I’m being bullied at work and I don’t know what to do

Dear Sian

I am being bullied, there’s no other word for it. I work in the NHS; I qualified as a nurse last year and have a personality clash with the ward sister. I work in an orthopaedic ward and want to progress in this area. Because we focus on musculoskeletal (or bones, to keep it simple), we see a lot of elderly people due to fractures and joint replacements. I like to think I’m really friendly and will do anything for anybody. I also love talking to older people – they have so much life experience and I want to help them keep their dignity. I shiver and cringe when I hear the way the sister talks to some of them. When I walk up to a group of staff and she’s there she will walk away. I constantly get dirty looks or she rolls her eyes at me. Sometimes, when I make a suggestion or ask if I can do something, she either criticises it or snaps: ‘please yourself’. She has organised drinks after work and then when I’ve turned up, asked who invited me. There’s so much more I could tell you. I have been off work for a week now due to stress, as I just can’t face it. I love my job when she’s not on shift but I can’t face going back. I literally shake and feel like throwing up. I think I’m going to look for another career.

Valerie 

There is a great technique for any confrontation called FBI: Feelings, Behaviour,  Impact. When explaining to a person why you have a problem, cover all three of these areas in this order. So, for example, you could say: ‘I felt humiliated and disliked by you (Feelings) when you asked me who invited me to drinks last Wednesday night (her Behaviour), and I think that going forward, this will lead to me feeling more uncomfortable and stressed working with you (Impact). You then must absolutely shut up! Zip it! If they say something along the lines of, ‘I don’t know what you mean’, repeat it word for word. You are not accusing them or pointing a finger, you are simply informing them that their behaviour has had a direct impact on you that you believe is detrimental. For most people, this opens up a dialogue in an assertive, but not aggressive, way.At the same time, ask yourself – very honestly – if you could have in any way rubbed her up the wrong way, and see if there are situations where you could have avoided pouring fuel on the fire. If all of this doesn’t work, go to a higher or more senior colleague or look for a transfer. Please do not give up your dream of helping people in this way.