What can we learn from the murder of Sarah Everard?

I felt particularly frustrated by the suggestion that Sarah should not have walked home. I cannot count the many times I’ve walked home or to a later bus stop because it’s been a nice night, I’ve wanted the fresh air, to see the stars, to just enjoy a walk in the peace of night. How can anyone suggest that is wrong? And what about those women who have no choice but to walk home? A bus may be too expensive or might not run to their homes.

While we can all acknowledge that the abduction and murder of a woman like this is rare, the reality of misogyny and sexism is not. As we all thought of Sarah, we also remembered the many times we have faced such events. My mam, my sister, my friends, we all shared stories of the times we have been catcalled, grabbed in night clubs, belittled at work. Online, the stories of abuse, assault and discrimination came in an unrelenting barrage. And all of it far too familiar to many of us.

Many women, most women, have experienced some form of prejudice simply because of their gender. We take up half the space within the population yet we face consistent inequality. If you are a woman with a brother you are less likely to reach a managerial position in your career than they are, you will earn less than him over your lifetime and that is not even mentioning the instances of harassment you might face.

We need all men to step up.

On Instagram, I wrote a post expressing my feelings in the week that Sarah was found. Here are a few words from that post; ‘Not all men, they say. This is rare, they say. But it is not this one extreme act that is weighing us down. It is all the other acts of aggression, however small, that we face. If there isn’t a problem, why did we learn to cover our bodies to keep ourselves safe as teenagers? If there’s not a problem, why have so many women had to lie about having boyfriends to have their ‘no’ taken seriously? Why do we walk home with our keys between our fingers?’

Some have said the reactions online have been too dramatic. Some suggesting women were becoming hysterical – a word that has been used for decades to belittle the opinions and emotions of women. However, every single woman I have spoken to has recognised the fear and upset online. It is time our voices were heard. It is time for things to change.

You should not feel that you have to share any of your own personal experiences to be listened to. Instead, consider using online resources such as this article from the Guardian about the latest study finding the majority of women have experienced harassment in the UK. If you are discussing this issue with someone you don’t know well or who is particularly resistant to the conversation, having a fact-based resource can help. Not only is it factual, rather than based on your personal experiences, but you can also send over the link and leave them to read. It is not your job to educate everyone so if you prefer to share an article and hope they read it, that is more than enough.

In any conversation, always be prepared to end the discussion and walk away if you feel uncomfortable. For anyone who has experienced traumatic events, you don’t have to share them. It is important to always protect your own wellbeing.

To finish this article, I want to offer some ideas as to how you can care for your mental wellbeing at this time.

Find something you can do to have a positive impact away from the internet. This might be reading books on the subject or donating to a women’s charity.

If conversations become stressful, don’t be afraid to change the subject.

Talk to friends and loved ones about your worries. If you feel low or anxious, speak to your GP. The past year has been incredibly difficult for everyone and it is always best to seek help.

Fit exercise into each day. A walk, a yoga practice, whatever movement you like will give you a boost of endorphins, lift your mood and help you to sleep.

Make time for yourself. This looks different for everyone, perhaps it’s meditation or watching your favourite show or a long hot bubble bath. Whatever will help you relax, go for it.