An insider’s view on…open relationships

Throughout our relationship, we’ve clashed over our ideas of how a relationship ‘should’ be. Although we have a wonderful time together and a flourishing relationship, I couldn’t shake the feeling that one day it would all end because my partner wasn’t going to change their mind about monogamy. So, I felt like I was never going to be their everything. It was difficult to process.

This was daunting for me. I’d seen things about ‘dating for marriage’ and not simply dating because you enjoy their company, here and now. Because if here and now is as far as the escalator is going to go, then what’s the point? Is it ok to just be with someone because they inspire you, help you grow, that they’re your best friend, you have amazing sex, you trust them entirely and laugh out loud every time you spend time with them? Or should it end because you need to find someone to be with for life? At what point do we become ‘too old’ and need to start thinking about ‘settling down’? What even is a ‘relationship’? How are relationships defined?

The friend

One day, a friend of mine told me that they were going to open their relationship up with their significant other (SO). I couldn’t believe it. Someone that I know is going to try non-monogamy! I thought non-monogamy was basically a way to cheat without it being classed as ‘cheating’. We spoke about it for a while and I was fascinated. My friend had, in the past, fallen for two people at once.

In friendships, we would never be expected to choose someone to be our only friend and expect them to give us everything we could ever want and need from a friend. Most of us have many friends – some we go out drinking with because they’re fun and a bit wild, some we confide in more than others, some we see regularly, some we see maybe once a year. Our love for one doesn’t diminishes our love for another. We’re capable of loving all of them at the exact same time. Sure, we have ‘best friends’ who we see more regularly and have a deeper relationship with. But at no point do we think: ‘I love too many of my friends, I must narrow them down by tallying what each of them brings to my life.’ So, then, it seems a bit weird that we do this with romantic relationships.

Could an open relationship really work?

After this initial conversation, I found myself overwhelmed with the idea of an open relationship being a genuine option in life. Can it really work? I’ve only ever known monogamy. How is it possible to have a serious, committed relationship and see other people, too? I started having sleepless nights. I’ve known all along that this is what my SO wants, but how can I agree to it when I’m so jealous and insecure as it is? The thought of him having sex with someone made me feel sick. The thought of him lying in bed with someone other than me was terrifying. What if we tried it and I couldn’t cope and it ended our beautiful relationship?

For two full weeks, I obsessed over the idea. I was exhausted. I couldn’t see when the day would come when I would stop thinking about it all. I spent every moment of the day anxious, with my mind in overdrive. All the alarms in my brain were going off at once. I was scared, I felt guilty, I felt so insecure. I was cornered. In my mind there were three options, each as terrifying as the next:

The guilt

Just to clarify, at no point did my other half make this an ultimatum. They didn’t even think it was a possibility for us. They told me they were happy as we were then. But this overwhelming guilt was cloaking me. How can I tell this wonderful human being what they can and can’t do? I felt so in control of their life and their future happiness. We’d signed an invisible contract with so many rules and regulations and for what? So that they would stay in my life until they/I was no longer happy? Or, like in some relationships (I can speak from experience), be unhappy and stick with it anyway

I started to ask myself ‘why?’ to every thought that I’d come up with. Why do I think this way? I was astounded by how many times my brain replied, simply: ‘that’s just what you do’. For example, why monogamy? ‘That’s just what you do’. Why don’t we sleep with other people? ‘That’s just what you do’. Why do we choose one human to be with forever? ‘That’s just what you do’.

Now, admittedly, this isn’t the idea of non-monogamy I had in mind, but it’s a good example of how non-monogamy is seen as radical, outrageous and bizarre. Which is exactly how I had thought of it too. Films regularly portray a man who’s free and promiscuous – until one day he meets his perfect woman and, from that day, he only ever wants to be with her. Storylines like that perpetuate the idea that if you do still want to ‘sleep around’, then you haven’t met the one yet. Inevitably, we end up having this warped idea that unless you are completely, 100% satisfied by your partner, then they’re not enough. So how can we possibly have serious, long-term, committed relationships in non-monogamy? Surely it just means we just haven’t met the right person yet and, when we do, we’ll settle down properly…

Healthy competition can make us better, but if we always compare ourselves with others about how we look or dress, how attractive or funny we are, we can never win. There will always be someone more beautiful, better dressed or funnier. But that doesn’t take anything away from who we are. Again, look at your friends – two of them may be hilarious, that doesn’t mean one of them is any less special than the other.

It’s ok if I don’t spend every day with my partner. In fact, I don’t want to! I have stuff to do. It’s ok that we don’t talk all day every day. I don’t want to. It’s ok that we aren’t going to buy a house together, get married and have children. Right now, I don’t want those things either. My relationship with them is great, fulfilling and passionate. It’s the best relationship I’ve been in.

I decided that it would be best to detach myself from my relationship, in a way. I was so happy when I was single because I came first; my emotions weren’t reliant on anyone else. I’d given this up – unbeknownst to me and my partner – and I needed to start putting me first again, living my life how I wanted to. And allowing my partner to live their life the way they wanted to.

In that moment I felt such calm – a calmness I hadn’t felt in weeks. I’d worried that as soon as I said that, they would run off into the hills finding any willing person to sleep with. But it was the complete opposite. We had the most romantic day, thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. We took a walk around town, went to a restaurant, drove up to a nice viewpoint of the city and spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa. This was a huge turning point for me. Imagine that: even though they could be out doing anything with anyone, they still just wanted to have a nice day with me. They’re freely choosing to spend their time with me. That’s how special I am to them.