How deprogramming the ‘Good Girl’ mindset can help you discover your true self and change your life

Organisational Psychologist Michelle Minnikin talks to High Life North about ‘Good Girl’ deprogramming, damaging gender stereotypes and why women are held back in the workplace.

Growing up, Michelle Minnikin never felt right in society and was shortly after diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis took time to sink in and she needed therapy to understand herself better.

She grew acceptance of her condition but still felt out of place and was unsure why she reacted in certain ways to appease authority figures and people please in tricky situations.

Michelle was attending a coaching qualification and told her coach about these anxieties and was asked, “Is that you being a Good Girl?”

This sent Michelle down a rabbit hole researching what this concept was and its societal implications on women. She was subsequently inspired to write the book ‘Good Girl Deprogramming’, which provides practical strategies for reclaiming your agency, discovering your true self, and embracing your ‘bad’ side.

The ‘Good Girl’ syndrome is the idea that women are held to a higher standard than men in society and they must adhere to certain behaviours, personality traits and life choices or else they will be shunned.

This isn’t a medical condition, nor is it taught in schools or establishments. It is a pre-ordained acceptance of how women should behave in society and anyone who doesn’t follow the rigid societal standards will be judged harshly.

This is something that is ingrained into modern culture, even if we aren’t fully aware of it.

“We are supposed to be a modern society but we go into a clothing shop and the girls’ clothing is pink and say ‘Be Kind.’ Whereas, boys’ clothing is blue and says ‘Be Brave’,” said Michelle. “Even if we are raising our children to not have those stereotypes, if they don’t see them at home then as soon as they go to school, boys and girls are treated differently.”

Michelle believes that gender stereotypes are systemic and ingrained into individuals through establishments like the workplace.

According to a Cambridge study, it was found that women outperform men from primary school through to university.

“What happens the second they step into an organisation? All of a sudden they are told they have imposter syndrome, they need confidence and they’re not strategic enough.

“What is that step from an arena where women are very good at adapting to authority figures and preparing and studying really hard. Those skills do not service in work,” said Michelle.

The gender disparity in the workplace was reinforced during COVID-19 as women had to work from home but were also expected to carry out stereotypical roles like looking after children and tidying the house.

“The pandemic was really hard for women and it set the gender pay gap and their careers back so much. We had to do both and the support structures for women weren’t available,” said Michelle. “As soon as we realised there was a benefit for flexible working then the organisations said, ‘No, you have to go back to the office.’ Which is actually direct discrimination against women.”

Michelle makes an argument that there’s more pressure on women in today’s society than when she was growing up because girls are expected to conform to gender roles.

“I was a tomboy and you would find me climbing trees and riding around the woods in my BMX. Now, if you show that you are not 100% girly then there’s the question, ‘Are you Trans?’ There’s the pressure to say, ‘No, I’m just gender nonconforming.’ Why do we have to have these ridiculous gender stereotypes? Can we not just be human and be allowed to like what we like?” Said Michelle.

There could be arguments that the rise in Onlyfans creators and sex workers across the UK and the US in recent years might indicate a societal shift in acceptance of these professions. However, Michelle believes that this is likely just a “fad.”

“I think it’s very superficial. On the surface it’s the 1970s free-love but underneath it’s not,” said Michelle. “It’s worse for them now because we grew up without the internet and social media where you get 1000 messages a day to filter your face because you’re ugly and that we have to be perfect.”

Alongside her mentoring, Michelle is also the captain of ‘Work Pirates’, which helps organisations solve their people problems by co-creating positive change.

Michelle was inspired by Sam Conniff’s ‘Be More Pirate.’ The book discusses the history of the Gold Age Pirates, presenting their traits as leaders as inspiration for entrepreneurs working in the 21st century.

This idea also transposes to women’s fight for equality in society as pirates had workplace compensation, legitimised gay marriage and shared the loot proportionally.

“Pirates tactics mean to listen to people, share stories and advocate for change and fairness.”

Buy the book: Good Girl Deprogramming: Unleash The Rebel Within here.

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