- Feel Good
- 19th Mar 2025
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- 0 minute
Ask Dr. Ashling Doherty: “My husband cheated multiple times, but I still miss him and my old life.”
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“I’m struggling with a really bad breakup, my husband cheated on me with multiple people but I’m still missing him and my life I had before.”
Dr. Ashling Doherty: “Thank you for submitting your situation anonymously. Please remember, this isn’t a replacement for therapy.
I’m sorry to hear about the pain you’re experiencing. It sounds like you’re torn between missing your husband and wondering whether to work on the marriage or move on. It’s a tough place to be, especially with repeated infidelity. Healing from betrayal takes time, but it does get easier.
There are a few things you didn’t mention that would help clarify your situation: How long was the marriage? Do you have children? Are you grieving the version of him you once knew, or is the relationship still ongoing? I’ll offer advice for both staying in the relationship or letting it go.
END OF A MARRIAGE
Marriage often comes with the hope of “happily ever after,” but when things go wrong, it can lead to a difficult transition. Many women feel societal pressure or guilt when ending a marriage, while others struggle with low self-esteem from being betrayed. It’s important to reflect on your own needs.
Ending a marriage triggers grief, including feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may wonder, “What could I have done differently?” These feelings are normal, especially after betrayal. It’s also common to experience changes in sleep or appetite due to stress.
PROCESSING CHEATING
Dealing with infidelity is complex. Whether you stay or leave depends on whether the cheating was a one-time mistake or part of a pattern. If your husband has repeatedly cheated despite promises to change, it’s crucial to evaluate your values and boundaries. People cheat for different reasons – validation, escaping emotions, etc. While this doesn’t excuse the behaviour, understanding the reasons can help with healing.
Infidelity often triggers intrusive thoughts, but they tend to lessen over time. It’s important to find hope without clinging to false hope. If you’ve confronted him about the cheating before and it continues, it’s essential to accept him for where he is rather than expecting change.
LIFE AFTER A BREAKUP
The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of emotions. You may feel rejection, loneliness or sadness, but these feelings are part of the grieving process. It’s helpful to reflect on what you miss about him but also acknowledge the hurt. We often romanticise the good times and overlook the painful parts. It’s important to allow yourself time to process.
CAN PEOPLE CHANGE?
Everyone will have an opinion about cheaters, but the reality is complex. Whether someone changes depends on their willingness to take responsibility and make lasting changes. Even if they do change, the bigger question is whether you can trust them again.
TIPS FOR MOVING FORWARD
- Beware of false hope: People can change, but accept them for who they are now.
- Challenge the “soulmate” myth: People change, and the idea of “forever” can be misleading.
- Give yourself time to grieve: This process helps rebuild your sense of self and worth.
- Lean on friends and family: Their support is essential, even if opinions differ.
- Limit contact: Consider a break from social media or photos to help you decide what’s next.
- Be cautious about rushing decisions: Take time before dating or reconciling.
- Practice patience: Adjusting to being solo can be scary, but it’s a chance for personal growth.
Healing from this pain isn’t easy, but it is possible. Give yourself the grace to navigate these emotions.”
MEET DR. ASHLING DOHERTY
Dr. Ashling Doherty is a Chartered Counselling Psychologist in Newcastle, specialising in sexual health and mental well-being. Based in a beautiful, calming clinic in Jesmond, she offers personalised counselling for individuals and couples. Her holistic approach addresses mental, emotional and physical well-being, helping clients overcome trauma, enhance libido and improve relationships.
With a focus on psychosexual therapies and couples counselling, Dr. Ashling ensures each session is supportive and tailored to your needs. As a member of the British Psychological Society and HCPC Registered, she provides a safe, professional environment for healing and growth.
For further support and to book a consultation, contact Dr. Ashling Doherty on 07871301079 or [email protected]
Dr. Ashling Doherty, 8 Ackenside Terrace, Newcastle Upon Tyne NE2 1TN
BOOK AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. ASHLING
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