- Feel Good
- 9th Apr 2025
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Ask Dr. Ashling Doherty: “I fear being too intense and feel guilt when emotions get out of control”
“I have a constant fear of being too much or too intense. I know I am intense – I don’t shy away from it and feel everything x200. However, I feel guilt the moment I feel like I cannot control the intensity and end up acting on emotion, especially if it’s for my own sake. How do I get rid of this feeling?”
Dr. Ashling Doherty:
“Thank you for your anonymous question. I believe many will relate to your experience. While I can’t offer therapy with just this limited information, I hope my thoughts help you reflect on your situation.
BEING “TOO MUCH”
I hear this a lot in my practice: people worried they’re “too intense,” “too sensitive” or “too needy.” It’s sad because it often suggests that their needs aren’t being met by others. When someone says they’re “too much,” I wonder if it also means they feel they aren’t enough. Does that resonate with you? To understand more, a deeper exploration into self-worth, attachment and anxiety might help.
The myth of being “too much” often connects to social, family and cultural pressures, especially for women. Feeling emotions doesn’t mean you’re “too much” – it’s part of being human. It seems like you’re striving to be authentic but also feeling guilt when you act on emotions instead of responding.
Sometimes, what we see as “too much” might actually be our strength. When we’re constantly told we’re “too much,” we shut down emotionally out of fear or shame. We’re taught that being ourselves isn’t enough. Guilt often comes when we feel we’ve done something wrong, but sometimes it’s “false guilt” – fearing judgment when we’ve done nothing wrong. If your emotions are overwhelming you and affecting your well-being or relationships, though, that’s a different story.
EMOTIONAL REGULATION
You mentioned feeling everything “x 200.” What are you comparing this to? Constant overwhelm can lead to emotional dysregulation, stress or anxiety. It’s worth checking if anxiety is driving some of your emotions. Our nervous system plays a key role in emotional regulation – it’s not just about calming down but becoming aware of your body and mind to create change.
HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM
- Set a timer for five minutes and find a safe, comfortable space. Close your eyes (or focus on a candle)
- Your mind will wander – that’s okay. Just bring your attention back to your breath, noticing how your body feels as you inhale and exhale
- Keep returning your focus to your breath until the timer goes off
HOW TO SUPORT EMOTIONAL REGULATION
P: Pause before reacting automatically
A: Acknowledge your emotions – identifying them helps manage them
U: Understand your reaction – it may be linked to past experiences
S: Select a response that aligns with your values
E: Engage with intention for the best long-term outcome
It’s about managing emotions flexibly, not avoiding them. Emotions are signals from our thoughts and experiences. Regulating them helps us understand ourselves better.
7 ways to support emotional regulation:
- Keep a journal to track emotions and patterns
- Are others’ responses adding to your guilt?
- Reflect on your relationships – do you listen to others’ experiences?
- How do you react to your emotions? What behaviours follow?
- What emotions feel most intense for you, and what does “intense” mean?
- Could past experiences influence your emotional responses?
- Have you tried yoga or meditation?
FINAL NOTES
The labels you assign to yourself shape your behaviour. It’s worth considering where the label “too much” comes from. Instead of seeing yourself as “too much,” perhaps think of yourself as someone who feels deeply in the world. What you view as a weakness might actually be your strength.
Humans have many needs, but that doesn’t make us “needy.” Embrace your emotions and be compassionate with yourself, especially around guilt. If stress, anxiety or past trauma are affecting you, addressing these root causes could help. You sound like a bright, energetic person who adds value to your relationships. Stay true to yourself – it’s a beautiful gift.
If you’re concerned about your emotional well-being, I recommend speaking with a GP.”
Meet Dr. Ashling Doherty
Dr. Ashling Doherty is a Chartered Counselling Psychologist in Newcastle, specialising in sexual health and mental well-being. At her clinic in Jesmond, she offers personalised counselling for individuals and couples.
With a focus on psychosexual therapies, Dr. Ashling provides a safe space for healing and growth, addressing mental, emotional, and physical well-being. As a member of the British Psychological Society and HCPC Registered, she offers professional support tailored to your needs.
For further support and to book a consultation, contact Dr. Ashling Doherty on 07871301079 or [email protected]
If you have a problem that you’d like Dr Ash’s expert advice on, submit your question anonymously here.
Dr. Ashling Doherty, 8 Ackenside Terrace, Newcastle Upon Tyne NE2 1TN
Rachael Ellis
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After gaining a first in her BA Media and Journalism degree at Northumbria University, Rachael worked at Newcastle’s leading regional newspaper with her stories being picked up in national and global newspapers. She spent two very successful years giving a voice to those communities across the North East who otherwise…
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