Ask Dr. Ashling Doherty: “We were childhood friends. Then her husband left and so did she”

“I have a school friend I’ve known for over 40 years. She’s not just any friend – she’s also my daughter’s godmother. We’ve been through so much together. But three years ago, her husband left her for another woman, and everything began to change.

Naturally, we rallied around her – myself and another close friend. We tried to support her, to talk, to listen. But she didn’t want to engage. Every time we gently tried to open up a conversation, she shut us down. It was like a wall had gone up. We respected her space, but we stayed present in the background.

Then last summer, she booked a holiday. It was the same weekend as my daughter’s wedding – a date she’d known for over two years. She didn’t come. No big conversation. No explanation. Just a quiet withdrawal, with vague excuses.

I can’t lie – it hurt. My daughter, her goddaughter, really missed her. I missed her. And now, when we ask her out for a coffee or a catch-up, there’s always a reason she can’t make it. It feels like she’s drifting away from us… and yet, something in her attitude makes us wonder if she thinks we let her down.

I’m torn. I have elderly parents who need me, two daughters, a husband – I’m always juggling. But I’ve done my best to show up for her. I feel like I’ve been loyal. And yet, she keeps us at arm’s length.

When we tried again recently to check in – to gently ask if she was OK – she brushed us off. She said there was something going on at work, but she wouldn’t talk about it. Just said, “I’m fine.” I reassured her that we were there if she ever needed us, but I came away feeling helpless… and honestly, rejected.

Now I feel like I have to let the friendship go. It’s fading, and there’s no way to stop it. And yet, it’s such a deep loss. She has no family of her own, just work colleagues. I thought our friendship meant more. I thought we meant more.

What can I do?”

Dr. Ashling Doherty:

“Thank you for sharing your story. What you’re describing is a heartbreak of a different kind – the grief that comes from a changing or fading friendship. We don’t often talk about this kind of pain, but it’s real and it cuts deep.

Long-standing friendships, especially those that stretch back to childhood, hold so much history. They become a part of our identity – a constant amid the change. But like all relationships, they evolve and sometimes they even end. It sounds like your friend’s divorce may have sparked the beginning of a very painful shift in her emotional world – and in your friendship, too.

Her husband’s betrayal was likely traumatic. For some people, that kind of grief causes withdrawal, shame or even emotional paralysis. Your friend might not be rejecting you, but rejecting reminders of what she’s lost. That could include your family, your daughter’s wedding and even the joy of your life – all of which may feel like stark contrasts to her current situation.

It also sounds like you’re carrying a mix of guilt and confusion. You’re wondering if you did enough, said enough or supported her in the “right” way. Let me reassure you: from what you’ve written, you have done your best – with compassion, care and generosity.

But friendship is a two-way street. You cannot pour love into a relationship that no longer allows room for connection. You cannot fix what someone else won’t talk about. And you cannot sacrifice your emotional well-being for someone who has chosen distance.

For further support and to book a consultation, contact Dr. Ashling Doherty on 07871301079 or [email protected]

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Dr. Ashling Doherty, 8 Ackenside Terrace, Newcastle Upon Tyne NE2 1TN