Sian Confidential: My female boss kissed me on a night out.

Dear Sian,

I’ve been suffering from stress and insomnia for about six weeks. I work as a project manager and it’s pretty demanding. My husband and I have a large mortgage and I constantly worry about one of us losing our jobs, especially with the economy the way it is right now. My boss is female and recently divorced with grown-up children. Before lockdown we would go out after work for drinks; sometimes as a team but a lot of the time just us two. The last time we went out we both shared two bottles of wine, so we were quite merry. As we were waiting for our taxis and saying good-bye with the usual hug, she kissed me and I think I kissed her back, but then pulled away. I was shocked about everything; her doing it in the first place and my response to the kiss. I’m not gay and don’t fancy her, and now I’ve been very cold and off with her ever since. I don’t seem to be able to be friends with her anymore, and my coldness is now affecting work. However, I keep having thoughts of having sex with her and I’m horrified and disgusted with myself because it’s so alien to me. What’s going on? I feel like my identity is falling apart.

Ashley

You may also be anxious about feeling like you have cheated on your husband, although I couldn’t pick this up from your letter. I would put this behind you as an insignificant event. It shouldn’t affect your marriage and he need not know, however ultimately this decision is up to you. From what you have told me, you are neither attracted to your boss nor to women in general. What is happening is that you are generating more of the sexual imagery by fighting it. For example, if I say ‘don’t think of a pink elephant for 2 minutes’, most people can’t keep the pink elephant thought out of their heads.

The more you try the worse it gets. The first time you thought about the sex it obviously shocked you, however what you resist persists. The frequency of the thoughts just means you are generating them through fighting them; just because you think it doesn’t mean you want it to happen. It’s just a thought.

“I don’t know who I am anymore” is something I hear a lot from an anxious, embarrassed or guilty person. You are still definitely you. You just fear you are not.